I am currently in hiding in my luxurious Parisian chateau hidden in the mountains of West Virginia. I am afraid for myself and others. I’m afraid I’ll hurt somebody. I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself. Why do I feel this way? Because I am particularly fond of Edgar Allen Poe’s oeuvre. And I watched this episode on Monday night and discovered that any person who is a Poe aficionado may also be a serial killer.

But aren’t shows make believe? How could I possibly have believed that what occurred in this episode had any connection to reality?

Well, it’s obvious that the intention of the show’s creators is to cause the viewer to question whether or not every single character is a serial killer. By the time I hit the half-way point, I was even suspicious of the characters portrayed by extras. By the time I reached the end, my paranoia had leapt out of the TV screen and into my everyday life. And I think we can all agree that a television show cannot truly achieve greatness without carefully crafted suspense, and if it happens to trigger a complete psychotic breakdown and a distrust of yourself and others, then all the better. The show has done its job and it has attained a level of quality reached by few shows throughout the history of prime time.

It’s no surprise the influence of Poe has influenced so many to commit crimes of a murderous nature. He just has such a way with words, and with macabre literature from the 19^th century being even more popular these days than television, I fear for our future. I fear for our children. I fear children who read Poe. Children are creepy enough. The thought of murderous evil children makes me never want to sleep again.

What is this tap tap tapping at my chamber door. Nevermore!

Doomlazer is the funniest person I know. Well, he was until I escaped from the room where he kept me prisoner since birth.

Going to watch the new episode of Bunheads. Feels like its season two of this show but idk, Rory hasn’t fucked Dean yet, I hope. Honestly, I haven’t watched Bunheads since last year. When it’s first episode first came out my dick got all wet because I was like, anything Amy Sherman-Palidino does has to be pure gold because they talk fast and there is hot girls all up in here. Then I got bored because it wasn’t Gilmore Girls. Did you know the daughter and mother in Gilmore Girls actually have the same first name? Yeah, that’s true. Rory is a fucking nickname for Lorelai so they are both just called mermaid.

Anyway about Bunheads, the one girl is kinda hot, but she is a bitch and I think she is rich or something. There is another girl who is fat and still pretty, but her big bones won’t let her be a good ballerina. Also, Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off dies in like the second episode.

Now that I’ve established some context lets go ahead and start watching the new episode. Full disclosure: I’m watching this while super high on weed. JK, I haven’t smoked pot in months. I don’t know why I said that.

First off, I turned the volume way up. Much louder than I usually watch TV because I’m reviewing this episode so fuck all neighbors.

The TiVo recorded some of the previous show on ABC Family – ABC Family is my new kind of family. Sometimes I think I have some sort of mummy’s curse because I’m forced to watch ABC Family all the time – the show before this was about hot deaf girls or something, idk I didn’t watch it.

Oh good, they are going to do one of those ‘previously on’ numbers so we can all get caught up. Hold on though because I’m going to go buy some eCigs and get super fucking drunk before I watch anymore of this show. Then I’ll catch you up on what’s been happening on Bunheads and finish reviewing the new episode.

Hey, wtf? Was that Paris from Gilmore Girls?

I have no idea what has previously happened on Bunheads after watching that shit. Honestly, it kinda just made me think this show just sucks. I was probably right for not watching this show. Like who is even hot in this show? The one girl, I guess but not that much and there is no good love interest.

I accidentally paused and exited out of this TiVo recording and saw that I recorded Fools Gold recently. That movie stars Matthew McCongehey and KATE HUDSON! I could be watching Fools Gold right now! Did you know Kate Hudson is pretty? She’s not actually Kurt Russell’s daughter but I like to think she got a lot of handsome from him. I’m not gay, but I’d probably fuck Kurt Russell. Sorry for using the gay term.

Ok, back to this boring show. I watched another three mins and I’m so bored of this fast talking Amy Sherman-Palidino shit. There is no Luke or Kirk or IM EVEN MISSING DEAN AT THIS POINT! I hope this gets better because I want to krill myself.

I literally wish I was dead. Like, there’s some girls in skimpy costumes, but there is no reason any man would want to watch this dumb show. It’s so dumb. Mathew McConefhey and Kate Hudson aren’t falling in love.

Hate to say it but Kate Hudson – that commercial you did was dumb.

I watched three more seconds and it was terrible. Do not bother watching the new season of Bunheads, it’s totally stupid.

Amy Sherman-Palidino, I can’t hear words that fast. Slow down, take it easy, also why did Dean fuck Rory? You jerk! She loved what’s his face. I stopped watching after that because Dean is gay!

Jessie

Sorry for using the gay term again.

Like, girls in spandex bikinis are cool, but this plot line sucks. Have you ever seen Snake Pliskin’s Escape From New York? HE LANDED A PLANE ON THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!

I want to murder my neighbors, that’s true. No joke.

I honestly think this show is so dumb. Why would anyone watch it? Some of the ballet girls are in a bar right now I think. They are complaining about the food. Oh shut up, I don’t know who this guy is but it’s so gay/boring. Sorry for using the boring term.

“I am literally 5 mins into this Bunheads show and I really REALLY want to krill myself” – Albert Whale

Hey, why is that one girl kissing that guy? I like this show. It’s so dumb.

Am I capable of love?

Some fag tipped a guy to go away. That’s gay. Smash my fucking brains in. I totally like the bikinis these girls are wearing. Yikes. If it wasn’t for the night. Some of these girls just said surfing is boring. No, you’re boring. What?

I want to watch Fool’s Gold so much. I wish I was dead.

I’m literally so bored of being alive. I wish I was dead, can’t finish watching Bunheads or anything. Going to watch Hitch, or Fool’s Gold. Whatevz.

Bunhead likes this weird rich dude or something.

Doomlazer died on the way back to his home planet. He is a porpoise. He’s REALLY big on twitter.

Community is back with a new season, new producers, and a desperate plea for viewers to keep watching even though showrunner Dan Harmon is no longer with us. I’m happy to report that this episode isn’t completely terrible. And as everyone knows, television viewers strongly prefer shows that aren’t awful to great shows produced by men who don’t always get along with network executives.

This episode makes a strong case to keep watching by using a few different techniques:

1: Comparing itself to sitcoms that are even worse than it

Abed is freaked out that it’s his final year in community college because he never wants it to end, so Britta tells him to go to his happy place.

Conveniently, his happy place is a version of the show that is filmed before a live studio audience with jokes that are even more horrible than the ones from The Big Bang Theory.

Instead of realizing this ploy that the show was using, it instead reinforced my belief that Community is one of the most unique shows that has ever been on television.

2: More cleavage and tighter shirts

Well, I’m sold.

Let’s all hope Community gets another season. The characters are already seniors this year, so why not just go all out and make Greendale Community College a five-year school? It would only be slightly less believable than a four-year community college. Hell, let’s make Abed’s dreams into a reality and have the show remain on the air until the Earth gets devoured by nuclear flame.

A little backstory:

The Canadian show Coke-Whore Transsexuals from Planet Buttrock was rebranded after being sold for American broadcast.  It currently plays ever Friday on Fuse under the moniker Ex-Wives of Rock.

Four haggard women who’ve never contributed to existence sit around and incoherently bicker/complain/gossip with/to each other.

They are labeled as follows: crack pipe with tits; surprised horse face #1; surprised horse face #2; the obese one.

That’s it.  That’s all the back story a person needs to fucking know.

The episode begins with the crack pipe with tits being cosmeticized for a meaningless photo shoot.

Her daughter, who resembles the love child of Beaker from The Muppet Show and Corky from Life Goes On, hatches a plan to manipulate her (step)father into paying $1000 for tuition to a hair school.

Beaker with Down syndrome brushes her orange hair upwards.

She explains she’s going to be a stripper.

The crack pipe with tits announces to the 31 nationwide viewers that Beaker works at The Body Shop, a strip club in Hollywood.

Somehow this fact is important.

For reason unknown the crack pipe with tits wields a large cross towards the camera.

Surprised horse face #2 throws a house party to introduce the crack pipe with tits to a new fuck buddy/potential husband/source of income.

The shindig is composed of white males wearing Affliction t-shirts, an Amazon bartender hiding her face with a fedora and an effeminate boy-model sponsored by Tilly’s.

They huddle around a pool.

Surprised horse face #1 and surprised horse face #2 stare into each other’s eyes.

Two mirrors reflecting each other’s absence of substance and space.

There’s a reticent pause, similar to the large breath the Ghostbusters took before crossing their beams, but nothing happens.

Reality doesn’t break.

The inane chatter continues.

Surprised horse face #2 introduces her stud to the crack pipe with tits.

The man is a chubby L.L. Bean mannequin wearing a bearded Tom Cruise mask.

He never mouths words.

The crack pipe with tits doesn’t fancy the company.

She does her best impression of Hunter S. Thompson at the end of a 34-day speed binge, rife with husky mutter and arm flailing, then leaves.

Meanwhile…

The obese one tattles to surprised horse face #2 after #2’s husband made the “pop yo fat titty out” hand motion towards her.

The hand motion consisted of pretending to crank down a car window at chest level while popping the head upwards.

She likes the attention but feels hurt by its public nature.

The Tilly’s boy-model kisses pool cement after too many softened adult beverages.

The Amazon in the fedora revokes his bar privileges.

The next day the crack pipe with tits visits the obese one’s modest condo.

They spray their bikini bodies with bronzer and shadow bathe next to a kiddie pool.

The physical demeanor of the two changes.

Something serious needs to be discussed.

The crack pipe with tits runs an index finger under her nose several times while admitting she hasn’t been doing well since her divorce.

The obese one pulls her sunglasses off her face with both hands and squints her eyes.

The episode ends there.

Next week’s spoiler: more horse faced trannies making surprised looks during inappropriate situations, the crack pipe with tits leases a chode car and the obese one takes a nap.

Read more from Jereme Dean at www.weak-signal.blogspot.com.

I am severely depressed. I’m so depressed I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write this review. I am facing a very sad time in my life: the end of this fantastic show. This final season has been particularly good. It distinguished itself greatly from previous seasons by occurring in the future where mankind is ruled by the bald guys from the movie Dark City.

It’s soon revealed that the baldies are what’s left of mankind from an apocalyptic future that is even further down the line. I guess a scientist guy discovered a procedure to evolve humans into what he felt were superior beings. He did this by removing the portion of our brains that gives us the capability to experience boredom.  Apparently when humans  no longer get bored,  their hair falls out, women turn into men, and they are able to travel through time and space. Unfortunately, it’s  even difficult for those who don’t experience boredom to live on a world that has been damaged beyond repair, but it’s easy enough for them to use their time traveling powers to travel into a past when the Earth wasn’t all fucked and conquer its people. A lot of those humans ended up being cool with boring bald guys being in charge of them, but many were not. This group is known as “the resistance.” I’m going to assume they didn’t name themselves or else it would have been something awesome like The Master Blasters, so the boring guys who can’t be bored probably named them. So of course, the show’s heroes joined up with the resistance to defeat the baldies.

The awesome thing about this season is that it is incredibly boring. And no, this is not a bad thing. Instead, it makes the show even stronger. The future is extremely boring and the show

allows the viewer to experience it in the same way as those who live there. Since the baldies rule the earth and are unable to experience boredom, they have caused the world to be very dull. Since entertainment is unnecessary, they have eradicated it in order to lower the combined national debt for all countries. The resistance are unhappy about this, so they attempt to overthrow the baldies in an attempt to entertain themselves so they have something to do to pass the time until their deaths. The show’s heroes join their cause, and they succeed during the final episode of the series. And I can only assume that things stop being so boring for them during the events that occur after the final episode. It’s too bad the show didn’t end with an additional episode to serve as an epilogue that was entertaining rather than incredibly boring, but on the other hand, it was a worthy sacrifice necessary to maintain its innovative nature.

So here ends my review. I apologize for its tardiness. I’ve just been so damned depressed since the show ended. It’s tough to write TV reviews when you’re severely depressed.